Create Unstoppable Passion » How do I know it is time to Break Up?

How do I know it is time to Break Up?

November 25th, 2007

A friend of mine heard that I had a relationship blog and wanted the answer to this question.

I thought about it for awhile and asked him:
“What got you both together?”

He gave me a scowled look.. it really had the “I’m not in a mood for rubbish talk” look.

Apparently, I didn’t have the influence I thought I did … ah well…

So I repeated .. this time slowly and pausing for effect .. giving him the “I am not going to change topic” look.

“What … got …you …both … together?”

This time he looked at me… maybe just to play along … he said..

Him: “We had a lot of things in common, like we both love food, and classical music. Yet, there was something different about her. She was not one of my makan kakis (translate: good buddy), she had a different outlook to the food we ate… the orchestras we went to… Her opinions about classical music were quite crappy, in my opinion, but I enjoyed them nonetheless! It was just fun. Blissful in fact.”

Me: “What changed in the past year?”

Him: “Well, clearly we got together and started getting our lives together.. slowly, we made decisions on everything together, we started combining our schedules, and stuff like that..”

Me: “So, in the last 12 months, has she done anything for herself? Like go to a performance with her friends, that you were not interested in?”

Him: “No, none that I can think of..”

Me: “What about you? Did you go for wild pig out eating sessions? Like really unhealthy food, that you know is bad for you. But you do it. real barbaric style stuff.”

Him: “No, I didnt. Because she prefers the sit down dinner. I have nothing against that. I like that too. So, i’m fine with it.”

Me: “Yea, but you would love some unhealthy hard core, man-type BBQ food dripping in oil too isn’t it?”

Him: “OF course!”

Me: “Let me now guess, you are finding life boring because it has become predictable?, even the quarrels are getting predictable!”

Him: *light goes on in his eyes* “Yea…. how did you know that?”

_____________

Well, then the question you should be asking is:
“What brought us together?”
… because right now, your passion has waned flat,
the unique gifts that each of you brought to the relationship is dying out …

But here’s the good news. This is merely an environment situation that can be easily nurtured back.

Asking yourself “How do I know it is time to break up?” will get you a million and one replies, but not a single one of them would satisfy you deep in your heart! .. but I am sure you know that already.

Look back to the “honeymoon days”, what did you do? What did she do? Each one of you brought in a uniqueness to the relationship that the other did not have. You probably brought in your “heck-care and anything can-do” attitude, while she brought in her “loving-ness and unpredictablility” gift.

As the days passed by, and both your schedules became so intertwined, without any outlet for each of you to recharge your own gifts… the very gifts that made each of you fall in love with the other. Then the gifts slowly waned in power and became weak… it finally reached this point where you are now… each of you have lost your uniqueness and therefore become bland and predictable to each other… so you begin to ask yourself, - if that person does everything the same as me, why do I need him/ her?

The good news is: You can change it. Both of you still have the deep gifts that you each brought into the relationship originally. You now have to ensure that you set aside time to cultivate your own individual gift to keep it burning and alive.

Give HIM time to be the boorish man to go kill some video villians or stuff himself with unhealthy roast meat dripping in oil…

Give HER time to wander in the park, or stroll on the beach…go shopping and seeing the beautiful things everywhere… going ga-ga over little babies..

By the way, BOTH the guy and the girl must have time for themselves … if the partner joins them, that is a perk… if the partner joins them to “control/ limit” them… that is a burden.

Make sure you have at least an afternoon out once a month, doing something you really like and you need not be apologetic for. Something that makes you feel good at your soul, not because it is the “acceptable” thing to do.

Love Yourself first, then can you give greater love.

_____________

If this has sparked something in you…

Come Join us at our next Create Unstoppable Passion! Workshop.

It is a small intimate gathering, where we share strategies that instantly ignite passion into your life.. whether you like it or not! Once you do it, it happens!

Nothing complicated and theoretical, just the real things that you can do to light up unstoppable passion in your relationship every single day!

Log on to: http://www.CreateUnstoppablePassion.com/eventdetails/

Reserve Your Seat Now!

A day without passion is a day lived lessed than it can be.

_____________

Till then, remember to give your loved ones their own personal time to nurture and grow their own gifts, and you will see it blossoming in the beauty of your relationship.

Passion - The Unstoppable Way to Love!

Winston Ng

P.s.: If your relationship is at the stage that you KNOW you really want to break up, you won’t be asking that question. You would be asking “how can I tell him/her nicely?” Read our other posts on this issue.

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Entry Filed under: Combining Lifestyles, For the Married, Getting There, Is He/She the One?, JOURNEY OF MARRIAGE, Moving into Deeper Connection, THE DAILY PASSION, TOGETHER BUT NOT SETTLED

2 Comments Add your own

1. Aqidah | December 5th, 2007 at 2:49 pm

At some point in a relationship, things can get stale and boring and if these kinds of feelings goes on for long periods of time, we may feel like things are not working out anymore and you start asking yourself “Is it time to break up?”

However, I feel that if you still treasure your partner, you wouldn’t be asking this question. Instead, you should be asking yourself “How do I save this relationship that really matters to me?”

Once you become a couple, we tend to want to stick together all the time and do things together. However, every once in a while, I think it’s healthy to do things on your own or with friends. After all, although you’ve become one (sounds so cliche), you are still your own person. I used to not like it when my bf went out without me with his boys and I would want to control him and not let him do things. However, I reversed the roles and thought, what if he stopped me from going out with my girls?

Letting your partner have time to himself/herself and doing the things he/she likes does not make him/her love you less. In fact, I read from a book that when a guy goes on his boys-night-out, he’ll miss you and think of you because he’s without you. Now, isn’t that a good thing? =)
2. W ng! | December 6th, 2007 at 12:44 am

Absolutely spot on ..Aqidah! it is beautiful the way you reversed roles to understand your partner.